In a string of alleged texts shared to her Instagram account over the weekend, actor Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady accused the actor of being ‘emotionally abusive’ and labelled him a ‘misogynistic narcissist’.
The texts, which Brady claims were sent from Hill, display him outlining his parameters for a 'romantic partnership,’ referring to 'surfing with men,' 'inappropriate friendships with men,' and 'posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit' as things that he seemingly deemed off-limits.
Hill, whose documentary Stutz, which featured his therapist, Phil Stutz, was released last year, reportedly stressed to Brady: ‘These are my boundaries for romantic partnership.' He then clarified: 'My boundaries with you based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust.' Brady posed the question to her followers: 'See the misuse of the term "boundaries"?’
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The alleged texts have instigated a wider conversation on the internet surrounding the archetype of an abuser and the rise of weaponisation of ’therapy speak’ within relationships.
![hollywood, california december 07 jonah hill attends gq live the world of jonah hill with the cast of 'mid90s' at neuehouse los angeles on december 07, 2018 in hollywood, california photo by matt winkelmeyergetty images for gq](https://cdn.statically.io/img/hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod/images/gettyimages-1080034964-64ae5dd53f052.jpg?resize=640:* "GQ Live - The World Of Jonah Hill With The Cast Of "Mid90s"")
Sarah* started dating Tom when she was 25 and working as a paralegal. He was two years older and they’d matched on Hinge, where he messaged her to compliment her on how pretty she was.
‘He love bombed me, which we now have words for but didn’t a couple of years ago,’ Sarah tells ELLE. Their relationship was intense, lusty and within two weeks, Tom had professed his love for her with a bunch of red roses and a promise of marriage in the not-so-distant future.
The following day, Tom’s mood changed ‘like the flick of a switch’. He began chastising her for going for work drinks with her friends. He only ‘allowed’ her to see the friends of hers that he ‘approved’. He made Sarah share her location with him so that he always knew where she was. He insisted that it was for her safety. These were, in his own words, Tom’s boundaries.
‘He’d talk about boundaries constantly and he was somebody who really prided himself on having had a lot of therapy because of childhood trauma he had,’ she says. ‘But before long the word "boundaries" became another word for control. It just became his way of saying "I know more about emotions than you do", which made me feel inadequate in response and almost like I couldn’t say anything back because I hadn’t had therapy so what did I know?’
Eventually Tom told Sarah that he suspected she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that her defiance in obeying him was proof that she was a ‘bad’ girlfriend.
Dr. Isabelle Hung is a London-based relationship therapist and co-founder of divorceclub.com and tells ELLE: ‘Excessive reference to words such as "boundaries" or referring to people as "narcissistic" — which are used a lot in therapy — is almost a form of moral virtue signalling. It infers that the person talking about the boundaries and narcissism has more emotional intelligence than the other person, which isn’t necessarily the case.’
Dr. Hung notes that over-explaining boundaries — which are intended to be values we impose upon ourselves as opposed to parameters with which we restrict others — is a way of exerting power over another person, which is akin to an emotionally abusive dynamic. She has witnessed an increase in armchair diagnosis — when people without the relevant qualifications impart mental health advice — and notes that, within the structure of relationships, it’s becoming increasingly hard to avoid ‘therapy speak’. Healthy relationships, Dr. Hung stresses, are about the balance of power, rather than all of the power residing with just one person, which is what controlling behaviour encourages.
The proliferation of 'therapy speak' is something that Lara* experienced in her relationship with Phoebe* too. It was when the pair were forced apart because of distance that Phoebe started exhibiting similar signs of 'boundary-setting'.
'She would call me constantly to see where I was, what I was doing and who I was with,' Lara tells ELLE. 'It would make me so anxious to do anything. I stopped living my actual life and just retreated so that I could keep the peace.'
Women from around the world have taken to social media to share their experiences, similarly to Lara and Sarah's, where they have reiterated the point that men wielding control under the guise of ‘therapy speak’ is merely misogyny in disguise. It's a way of framing control and coercion as a way of loving and caring for somebody.
Dr. Hung warns that there is such thing as being 'over-therapised'. ‘The intention of therapy isn’t to have to see a therapist once a week for the rest of your life,’ she adds. ‘The point is to give the client the tools to be able to cope in their lives without the help of a therapist.'
Lara and Sarah, with the help of their own therapists, extricated themselves from the binds of their dysfunctional relationships and are both now learning where their own boundaries lie.
Brady conceded her posts with a clear message: 'It’s been a year of healing and growth with the help of loved ones and doctors to get me back to living my life without guilt, shame and self-judgement for things as small as surfing in a swimsuit rather than a more conservative wetsuit. And I’m sure there’s still much more healing from this abuse ahead of me.
'I hope my ex has a daughter. Maybe she’ll turn him into a real feminist because the fact that he calls himself a feminist now is laughable.'
Hill is no longer on social media and has yet to respond to Brady's posts.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
Naomi May is a seasoned culture journalist and editor with over ten years’ worth of experience in shaping stories and building digital communities. After graduating with a First Class Honours from City University's prestigious Journalism course, Naomi joined the Evening Standard, where she worked across both the newspaper and website. She is now the Digital Editor at ELLE Magazine and has written features for the likes of The Guardian, Vogue, Vice and Refinery29, among many others. Naomi is also the host of the ELLE Collective book club.
