10 Incredibly Passive-Aggressive Snacks We Love/Hate
Is it just us, or is the doily between each layer of Milanos the snack version of Netflix's "Are you still watching?" pop-up?
We were raised to believe that snacktime is a joyous occasion full of bottomless apple juices and energizing fish- and bear-shaped treats. But along with adulthood came the realization that mindless munching is considered an activity for the unsophisticated, undisciplined dregs of humanity. It's a vicious cycle only further compounded by conflicted messaging on the almighty "six small meals" and diet-sabotaging "empty calories." The confusion alone is enough to drive us back into the pantry's patronizing arms! Herewith, 10 break-room favorites with sinister agendas of their own.
Cheetos
Must you, with the the evidence all over my fingertips? Yes, I ate Cheetos. Yes, there is cheese powder all over my keyboard. Are you going to book me now?
Milano Cookies
Is it just us, or is the doily between each layer of delicious finger cookies the snack version of Netflix's "Are you still watching?" pop-up?
Granola
We're onto you with your I'm-only-healthy-if-you-eat-me-out-of-thimbles bullshit.
Big Juices
Oh, you're two-point-five servings each? Information I could have used yesterday.
Twix
But seriously, who has ever treated themselves to one, singular Twix and then thoughtfully tucked away #2 for a rainy day?
Mangoes
My hands are sticky, each slice is approximately 64 percent rind, and I'm not sure what to do with this mountain of skin slivers. We get it—you're special.
Nature Valley
Any snack bar that requires its own eating manual is in need of a serious attitude adjustment.
Pistachios
We picked this one even before they became downright dangerous, but there's nothing more tired than a tightly shelled snack nut that plays hard to get.
Nuts in General
Nice calorie count, you pompous assholes.
"Personal" Pizzas
"Here I am, eating my recommended serving of one-third of this very small, plate-size pizza"—The World's Most Miserable, Hyperspecific Liar
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