Tender Tips is a new advice column by Jemima Kirke, dishing out unfiltered guidance on everything from love and sex to all the messy moments in between. This month, she’s answering reader questions about how to find happiness—no fluff, just real talk. Want to be included next time? Drop her a line at tendertips@elle.com and get in touch.

How do you keep going when you’re drained, uninspired, and full of doubt?

Do. The. Next. Thing. Do it regardless of your will or mental capacity. If the next thing is picking up your dry cleaning, then put your shoes on. Next, find your bag or wallet. Maybe the next thing is going to the bathroom or standing up from your chair. I don’t care if it’s excruciating. Do it. Crawl to it. Fucking roll if you have to. Whimper as you text someone back, “Sure.” I don’t care how you do it. Just don’t stay stuck.

How do I find what I’m passionate about?

You’ve probably been influenced by lofty quotes such as, “Choose a job you love doing and you will never have to work a day in your life.” (Confucius?) Or maybe Bukowski’s “find what you love and let it kill you.” These are horse shit. Like all famous quotes, they sound good, romantic, concise, dramatic, etc. Some are certainly poignant, but not all are profound. Who knows the level of conviction these celebrities felt in their statements? Maybe Confucius changed his mind later on. And Hank was clearly drunk when he said the thing about letting it kill you. That being said, passion isn’t something you can look for. Nor is it some elusive cachet. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that one singular passion they can hinge their identity on. Sometimes your job is just your job. Maybe it’s not your favorite thing, but it pays the bills. Then you’re free to indulge your inherent passions organically, without having to die for it.

Does money really buy happiness?

Yes. Yes it does. Though the effects do wear off at some point. You can’t buy happiness per se, but you can rent it.

I think I’m having a quarter-life crisis. Help!

No one tells you that ages 25–28 (give or take) are a tough stage of human development. There are the frightening 3s, the scary 7s, the terrible teens...the end of your twenties is one long tantrum. You’re sliding down walls and sobbing on shower floors. You’re young, untethered, and cute, but the world hates you. You made a precious little lifetime blueprint before your prefrontal cortex has fully closed. It must be destroyed, for your own good. So don’t go making any life-altering decisions until you’re at least 30. Sit tight and withstand it. By no means am I suggesting stoicism. That shit will kill you.

Got any inspiring messages for a teenager like me?

  • If a grown-up says something you don’t understand, and you’d like to understand, ask them to explain it. I promise, you won’t seem dumb. You’ll be a breath of fresh air.
  • When you aren’t familiar with a reference, speak up and say so.
  • You don’t dress well. You just don’t. You have no idea. I’d love to do a talk show where I give makeovers to teenagers. Like Ricki Lake without the slut-shaming and the helmet haircuts. It would be a total hit.
  • One day, and I’m not kidding here, you will be old.

I’ve heard meditation boosts happiness—how does it train your brain to be more positive?

I don’t know, ask ChatGPT.

Why do I still feel unhappy even though I have everything I need?

Probably because you need to do some meditation.

How can I feel more like myself?

Someone must’ve been high when they suggested it’s possible to be unlike yourself. It’s a preposterous idea that has made its way to Hallmark cards, children’s books, and pediatric waiting rooms the world over. It’s no wonder our kids hate us. We’re speaking in riddles. At best, the concept can be translated to “don’t try to be like others,” or “do what feels right to you” and the like. But why shouldn’t you try to be like others? Doesn’t everybody to some degree? And we’re always making the decision that feels right for us. It’s just that the determinate varies. It’s hard to be a person. Let’s not make it so fucking confusing.

I’ve had a rough year and I’m feeling burnt out and pretty hopeless. My friends keep pushing me to get outside—they say nature will help me “find myself again.” Honestly, it’s starting to piss me off. Why does that bother me so much?

People will tell you that being immersed in nature is healing, because we ourselves are a part of nature. I disagree. It is my belief that we have evolved far beyond nature. Some life-affirming things have happened to me on couches, in cafés, in beds, on bathroom floors, at bars, in theaters...all of which were decidedly more comfortable. Listening to the rain falling outside can be as soothing as two people fighting on the street. Human intelligence and invention birthed “nature.” We made it poignant. We sang it, we shot it, we painted it. The reason a thunderstorm means anything at all is because we wrote poems and made movies about it. Your surroundings are only as powerful as your receptors and your imagination. Your buddies are doing their best. If you can stand it, let them take you outside. At least you’ll get some vitamin D.

Any advice for a young person who feels like they haven’t done enough?

Unfortunately we only get 24 hours in a day. And only 365 days a year. We have to spend a lot of that time eating, sleeping, answering emails, texting, running errands, riding the train/bus/cab/elevator, relaxing, taking showers, brushing our teeth, being on hold, sitting in waiting rooms, washing clothes, washing dishes, waiting in line, applying makeup, sitting on the toilet, being sick in bed, looking for your phone, responding to emails/texts, booking things, looking for things, grocery shopping, undoing and redoing things, filling out forms and reading instructions. I refuse to believe that any of that time is a waste. And if those things aren’t also moments of you “living life to the fullest,” then I give up.