Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco are opening up about the work they put into keeping their relationship healthy when they’re long distance. The couple spoke on the podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty about their communication styles and how they built trust in the beginning of their relationship so it could withstand periods apart. (The couple is currently long distance, as Gomez is working in New York City on Only Murders in the Building’s fifth season.)
Here, their key tips.
Trust is critical.
“The biggest thing in the world is trust,” Gomez began. “I can say with all my heart that I trust this person. So for me, knowing that I have a 12- to 14-hour day on set, I won’t get to talk to him every second, which I don’t need.
“But I know just hearing from him one time, check in with me and say, ‘I love you, and I hope the day is going well,’ I just feel safe. And I’ve never felt that before. If you feel like you’re in a situation that doesn’t feel like you’re a unit, that makes it scarier and then that causes friction, then it causes trust issues. So for me, I would have to say communication and trust helps, but it doesn’t always work. It’s hard.”
However, building trust takes time and requires understanding someone’s past.
Blanco admitted that even they had a little trouble when they first started dating long-distance. “I feel like, at the beginning, there were a few almost sabotages,” he said. “At the very beginning, in her first few trips away, she was still gaining that trust. So there were moments.”
“Of sincere doubt,” Gomez added.
Blanco then detailed how he secured that trust through open communication:
“I tell everyone this. It’s like, when you start dating someone, you’re not only dating them, you’re dating every single person they’ve ever dated, every single relationship they’ve ever had in their past, because you’re getting every piece of baggage that that person’s carried and that [includes] what they’ve learned through their own personal life, through their life with partners, with their parents, with this, that. And I had to find a way to build that trust with her, not make it feel overbearing and make it feel real and make her actually believe it and vice versa. Like I know that she fully—if I say, ‘Hey, I’m just going to do this today,’ there’s nowhere in her mind that’s thinking that [might not be true].
I always told her, I said, ‘It’s okay if you have moments of doubt in something, in a feeling. Always talk to me. And I’ll talk you through anything that you may have.’ You know, if you say, ‘Hey, I know this is a crazy thing, I just had a dream, and I woke up from this dream and I was upset.’ Sometimes she’ll just say like, ‘Please tell me I can trust you,’ or ‘Please tell me you’re not doing anything stupid.’ And I say, ‘You can call me anytime you want.’”
Be aware of your partner’s needs, and don’t skip any expected phone calls or texts.
Blanco said of Gomez: “I’m aware of her strengths, and I’m aware of her weaknesses. And what I try to do is surround her with a lot of things to help her. So if she’s away, and I have to go to a dinner, then a party, then this thing, then that thing, it’s a simple text in between each things that says, ‘Hey, babe, I’m going to this next thing. I’m thinking about you.’”
He added that trouble can brew for couples “when [one partner] miss[es] that text. They don’t call the person. They wait until the next [day].”
With Gomez, “I know what she needs to succeed,” he said. “So I’m gonna help her succeed. I’m not gonna be a dick. I’m not not gonna hit her up. And she doesn’t need a lot. She’s like the easiest person in the world.”
Her needs are simple, he detailed:
“I know, yeah, she wants to talk to me before she goes to bed. She wants me to say, ‘I love you.’ She wants me to text her if I wind up having to stay somewhere two hours late, just a simple, take out your phone and done. And I know that stuff really helps, especially when you’re long distance because it’s natural. You’re far away from someone. You say, ‘I’m not with this person. I’m not as connected to them.’ We’re not meant to be far. You’re not supposed to be long distance with your partner. You’re supposed to be right next to your partner.”
Both he and Gomez are focused on their careers, and in that case, “you have to find a way to make it work that’s comfortable,” he said. “You have to talk to your partner. You have to understand them.”
Above all, listen to your partner, and proactively do things to help them feel comfortable.
Blanco noted that women in particular are good at expressing what they need to feel secure in a relationship. He explained:
“I think people’s biggest problems, especially men, are that we don’t listen all the time. You got to listen. Just shut up and listen. Listen to what they’re saying. A woman is going to tell you exactly what she needs. One guy is like, ‘I don’t know what she wants.’ She told you already. You’re just an idiot. You’re not listening. Just listen. If a girl is getting frustrated with you on something, she’s definitely told you multiple times, and you’re just not paying attention. So it’s like, just listen, and don’t be reactionary. Proactively do these things.”
He advised when you’re apart to “try to think of little things that’s going to make them feel more comfortable.”
Their interview was full of good relationship advice, including tips on how to handle disagreements. Watch the full podcast below:
